4.9 - A Story About a Married Teacher Who Becomes Obsessed With Her Female Student

Chapter 4: "Quiet As The Depths of The Earth" - Part Nine My husband stood near the torii gate on the main street with a rickshaw. There were unfamiliar tourists around as well. The two foreigners riding the rickshaw exclaimed "Oh, photogenic!" as my husband introduced them to the guardian lion-dogs. Hoshi-san started laughing even before understanding the situation. "What are you doing?" "Oh, you're back. Listen to this, I accidentally picked up some customers," my husband replied, approaching us with a slight gleam of pleasure as he pulled the rickshaw along. "Are you in trouble, or are you proud? Make up your mind." "Well, you see, I was pulling the rickshaw around, just going in circles, and they approached me. Even when I said, 'I'm not a rickshaw driver,' they called me a liar, saying I was clearly pulling a rickshaw. So here we are." "Hi!" my husband turned back to charm the customers with a friendly wave. The couple, who seemed like they were married, returned a small wave in unison, enjoying the atmosphere. Hoshi-san continued to laugh by my side. She never seemed to show any expression other than a smile, which made me think she likely wasn't genuinely smiling most of the time. "Since your husband picked up the customers, he should take care of them till the end." "Oh, I guess that's how it is?" my husband, appearing not too displeased, wiped the sweat from his forehead and started moving the rickshaw under the torii gate, while the couple murmured "Photogenic" once more. How convenient, the term photogenic. My cheeks relax. Then, like a wedge being driven between the corner of my lips and my molars— "You, sensei, you're quite something," Hoshi-san remarked. "Excuse me?" Hoshi-san maintained her gentle smile, unwavering. "Because you're smiling right now." There was no reproach in her voice. She merely made an observation, sharing in the laughter. That indifferent detachment created a subtle warmth, chasing away one kind of sweat and replacing it with another, which quietly covered my back. My mind wasn't blank; rather, it was the opposite, as if black paint was being poured over me. My hair felt heavy. My eyelids seemed as though they might collapse under their weight. "Indeed," I had no choice but to reply, as if cutting deeply into the arms I held against myself. * * * Rather than the summer sun, the days without contact with Togawa-san were drying me out more. In just five days, the absence of her voice and smile weighed down on my heart. It felt like I had let go of a rope I'd been clutching tightly enough for my nails to dig into my palms—a mix of anxiety and impatience. I moved through my empty, forgettable daily routine on autopilot, as if a void had opened up in my side, allowing time to pass. 'I think I'll be able to make it tomorrow,' I messaged as I hurried home from work, my pace quickening out of urgency. I pretended our schedules were aligned, but the truth was, I desperately carved out the time. It was like coming up for air while living a life spent sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of the earth. 'I’ll be waiting. Actually, I’m waiting every day,' came her reply, which saved my heart more than she could ever know. 'Are you studying properly?' 'Don’t ask questions like a teacher, geez.' 'Can I cry?' 'Just kidding. I’m being a good girl, so you can come anytime, Sensei.' To think I’d kept her waiting for five days; a severe, incurable foolishness. Not neglecting work or house chores felt like holding my ground at the bare minimum. I still had the sense to realize that letting my current life crumble would also mean losing the days with Togawa-san. Lose that distinction, and I’d be stuck waiting at the crosswalk of life’s end. Before sleeping, I'd spend more time lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, pondering—rather goofily—how cute Togawa-san is. It was as if I'd covered the walls with photographs, and closing my eyes only revealed Togawa-san. Previously, my mind would wander through various scattered thoughts, eventually drifting off to sleep. Now, it seems my mind is occupied solely with Togawa-san. Even during work, my thoughts revolve entirely around her, marveling at how humans can play imagined conversations in their minds, mimicking her voice for things she never even said. It feels like only a matter of time before I start having conversations with an imaginary Togawa-san. My thoughts wandered to finding ways to go on dates outside, that was it. My mind couldn’t dwell on anything else, and I reached the point of surrender. Like the time we went to the beach, maybe traveling away from home during summer vacation might work, though there's always the concern of venturing too far. However, if we meet far enough, it shouldn't be impossible. But the risk was significant. Moreover, consistently using the train would put a strain on Togawa-san’s allowance. No, should I just pay for transportation? I could cover the travel costs, meal expenses, facility fees, and hotel stays... Listing it out made it sound less like dating and more like me sponsoring her like a sugar mama. Come to think of it, does Togawa-san even have a concept of pocket money? In her neglected life, how did she manage her living expenses? There were still many unclear aspects about her despite knowing her so well. The more I thought about it, the more my heart clouded. The existence of a Togawa-san that I didn't know caused profound pain. I never knew it could be so unbearably lonely and painful to realize how little I knew. Even though I've seen her naked body. Even though I've touched her. Even though I know the scent, feel, and taste of her skin. ".................................." As my thoughts veered in that direction, the images naturally rose to the surface one after another, as if they had been eagerly awaiting. Togawa-san’s naked body, the melted expression on her face when we intertwined, and her broken voice calling out to me. The scenes of our entanglement, lost in ecstasy, overflowed like a flood, forcing my eyes open. My right hand reached out, unwilling to let the sensation of Togawa-san embracing my body fade away, but it grasped only darkness, hitting the bed with no strength. Turning over, I saw half of my face in the mirror. Unhidden desires gleamed at the edge of my eyes. They were shining, but something thick and turbid flowed over my pupils, making it uncomfortable to look at. If I were to put my blatant desires into words, what would come out is nothing but the lowest, most vulgar cravings, completely devoid of even the faintest trace of dignity. I want to hold Togawa-san in my arms. I want to put my fingers inside Togawa-san's underwear. I want to suck on Togawa-san's breasts. Garbage. Just die, die, die. The self-loathing I feel is so intense, it could easily turn to murderous intent. To stab that feeling away, I pounded my own arm with a fist, yet the dull pain did not reach my heart. Right now, the only one my heart could accept was Togawa Rin. “I want to see you.” This woman is out of her mind. To the point where there's no helping her. I genuinely despised who I was. An entity unworthy of any acceptance, something to be spit on. The eyes reflected in the mirror were cold, yes, the eyes one has when looking at someone like me. The time not spent with Togawa-san didn’t feel like part of my daily life; it was simply suffering and pain. This was a disease, not something as cute as lovesickness, but a malady so severe it gnawed at my will to live. There was no cure, only eternal postponement of the pain. Only by touching Togawa Rin could I forget the pain. “I want to see you,” I confessed, feeling like a log was stuck through my abdomen—heavy and earnest in its yearning. Closing my eyes, Togawa-san immediately greeted me, sparing me from facing myself. Despite receiving no love from her parents, Togawa-san turned out so well ... truly amazing, Togawa-san is amazing. I want to shower her with praises when we meet tomorrow. Thinking of her brought tears to my eyes, and my heart felt swollen. Its contours wavered like ripples on water, gaining infinite depth within my chest. “So amazing... truly amazing, so amazing...” The guilt of having dragged such a wonderful girl into this and the happiness of being wanted by her blended together. Along with the sensation of being swayed by waves, I lay on the cusp of consciousness, and eventually, I slipped into sleep while continuing to praise Togawa-san.